Why I run (late at night)

There are many reasons why I started running. It’s an addiction. It is, perhaps, unhealthy.

I started running because… well I don’t want to get into it but it wasn’t for the fun of it and it wasn’t for me. Should I be ashamed? We all have weak moments. But it turned into something more than that. I run every single day. My feet pound the pavement, probably destroying my knees but in the rhythm of it, the air running through my sweat-soaked hair, the feeling in my abs… everything comes together and it is my time for myself.

My thoughts are lost to the mathematical pumping of my legs and arms… when I do sprints, I feel like no one could catch me. Running is my safe space. I reclaimed it from what it was and made it my own.

I am a star streaking through the sky.

Running at night only amplifies my feelings about it. The night is cool and dark and safe. The streets are empty of people; those which are populated are not bothered or occupied by my habit,  as I am not bothered with their own.

Running becomes a problem when something else in my life goes wrong. All I want to do is run and run and run until my legs can barely stand up and my whole body quakes with the effort of even walking, sore for days afterwards. Running is pleasure but also punishment.

Motion becomes meaningless in the greater context of things.

I form my identity when running, but no one ever thinks of it that way. I change, mutate and transform in the wind. Left, right, left, right. When I cannot sleep, I run. I never sleep when my mind fires over and over, bang bang bang, the holes appear, clouding, but running blows away the clouds and soothes me. Sleep comes, eventually, but what do I dream?

Sometimes I dream I’m running. I’m always running. Maybe from something or someone. There are nights when I dream of having some sort of attachment or connection strong enough to keep me on the ground, but I remember that soaring above the world and away, like a feather feels better to me. I don’t need an anchor to come to earth, only a calm, windless day.

But I keep running, and the wind keeps blowing.

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